your legacy

i planned to be on the road by 8 am
it was almost 9 when i left then
of course there were errands in Salisbury
coffee and the bank, stuff i didn’t need
but this is the first time i’ve been on the road
in covid and damn it it just felt good
to go
and to go where my whim wanted to go

i had to take the backroads the whole way up the shore
there was a “police event” westbound on the bridge and
it had been closed since the night before at 10pm.
it was a jumper. i’d like to make these words about that,
allow for the terror and reality of a human existence
pretend the 12 mile back-up it created was less
burden to me then it was, less then the complicated circumstance
of a crazy cray enough to stick between girders and steel cat
walks thousands of feet above only water, crazy enough to stay there through a
full night of dark, through the orange rising of the sun. it was just enough the dull
enormity of it and direct burden of the indirect trauma there are no words
for, the going near 3 hours out of the way being my only course to see aged grandparents
one in oxy haze, one post stroke and bored with her body but tiresome,
the rounds of anxiety still managing to stick her to the reality she can’t
physically take part so sleep’s still a tumbled version of what she can’t access,
can no longer control. i feel the guilt of not caring more than the not caring itself
but that just makes the not feeling more severe then anything, and i think to myself,

i am yours gram, more child to you, your legacy, then you’ll ever know

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