to leave a mark

what you came here

In the early part of the 2000-teens I lived in Laguna Beach

It was a mean, dry high-white day in July
I drove into the canyon to sign a lease and pick up a key
it would come to be known as the hobbit pad
a single room studio with a loft
in a house with two other apartments
built into a wall of Laguna Canyon
I’d be there for three years paying the kind of cheap rent

I am certain you’re unable to find in the canyon now.

At the time, I’d been living in California
for about a full year mostly on the road.
My friend’s kid was along with me to check out the new pad
& on our way back to where he lived in Huntington Beach
we stopped for milkshakes at an outpost
on a north Laguna oceanside cliff

That’s when I got the call from the Institute.  The fancy–ie expensive–private school
had been on my bucket list since I first got sober. I had gotten accepted
to the counseling psychology Masters program–

it would mean student loans, and:
far be it from me–it still seems, even to myself–the mere possibility of advocating for        I n s t i t u t i o n a l i z a t i o n  but,

I remember standing in her kitchen lamenting to my friend Nici the one who, barked and determined, taught me to surf,  the program will take so long

& her response two and a half years will pass no matter what.  And, subject as we are

to such base artificiality, American convenience option of persona- or even

experience-creating as easy & severe as

the click of a button

I must say.  MY GOD are we fugn Lazy, and full of complaint
such distinct quality & our favorite to resist–recall here
practical warning words of Miriam Simos
to resist something is to deny it exists

our favored choice–I can see the popped blood vessels of righteousness across the foreheads of all the neoliberals I know hey wait a minute I work hard for what I have–is

I deserve it.

I deserve it, now.

In the canyon, at least in the hobbit pad, there was no AC and also no heat.
I bought a screen for the window at the hardware store for 10 bucks
gladly accepted a space heater from my girl Annie &
first time I ever used a drill~
bought a desk from Ikea my sister D put together with me

I set it up in the back of the closet
later to move it beneath the window
in front of the space heater, which was
only two feet away from my fridge, and less
from my couch, where I also sat to take my meals,

& that was school & something
that never came to need reckoning
was how much time it took

my myth

It went so fast I want it back
but more,
the knowing of
what I put my heart into
is guaranteed not necessarily
to last, but at least

to leave

a mark



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