after & clear

there’s this song by waylon that i jokingly referred to on social media recently as my “theme song”

the catch phrase is ‘I’ve always been crazy it’s kept me from going insane’

it is playing when i sit down in the coffee house right now of off route 1, after getting on route 1 after a cancellation today so i could just drive a clear, salty stretch to clear my mind

that’s a lot of afters and a lot of clears,

& that’s it, no? i knew i could come here and get the words down in some sort of form and my hope with that, always, is feeling more immediately clear

& often the pay off to come after?  seeing clearly, too

~

of my crazy i will take responsibility for periodic use of the following:

  • thinking i can mind read
  • relying on super sensory traits to know certain things
  • using my ability w words to articulate a web around people and corner them when communicating
  • doing the above in a premeditated way, which i call ‘crazy-making’
  • picking on small details and exacerbating what isn’t a real issue into a potential fight, called ‘weather-proofing’ bc looking for leaks when there are none.  this is also a form of crazy-making
  • maybe the most insensitive?  my ability to cut someone out of my life completely to protect myself

*this is a list about my behaviors, largely, with men i am romantically interested in

~

it hurt me today when i tried to tell you the lame fears in in my mind and heart and somehow you managed to bring up another chic

and it made me laugh at myself to come in here, fuckn w o r d s, fuckn poetry, and hear waylon singing my song

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